There is a reason why I don't mix well with 25 year olds. They talk a lot of shit.

I don't have a song for this one.

Last week I felt like I was walking away from this "situation" with Aaron with some dignity. I didn't want him to keep coming over & leaving after he got what he wanted. He said it wasn't just about sex for him & that he liked hanging out with me. If it was just sex, then he wouldn't want to spend the night. With me? His ex? The one who he knows, still has feelings for him? The one who he keeps hurting repeatedly? Me? The crazy exgirlfriend? "The one he told was single just to get laid, when really he wasn't," exgirlfriend? The exgirlfriend that he'd considered dating again if he wanted a relationship? Me? I was confused. But unfortunately my feelings drove me to make the worst choices and therefore, I let him in & hoped he was sincere with what he said.

I decided I didn't want to go through the leaving after each "hang out" & the making plans to spend the night only to cancel them because "work was busy". I was honest & said we wanted two different things. I couldn't just keep sleeping with him and he being the only one that was satisfied. It felt fucking horrible everytime he left. So, at least I walked away with a bit of dignity. However, I hadn't heard from him since.

I then was talking to my friend today and confessed of my indiscretions. They know that I'm weak when it comes to him & have found it very frustrating to watch me keep hitting the same wall. I completely understand how they feel. They then informed me that he was doing the same thing with another girl. And that facebook was riddled with pictures of the two. Fan-fucking-tastic. There goes my dignity. Now I'm a fucking joke. Now I'm the exgirlfriend who will listen to everything he says. Or the exgirlfriend who believes all his lies. Or the exgirlfriend who continues to see good in someone who clearly isn't a nice person. The exgirlfriend who worries about him when he drinks and drives. The exgirlfriend who thinks his best friend is a piece of shit for letting him drink and drive and gets in the car with him. I'm also the exgirlfriend who makes him feel so fucking good about himself at the expense of myself. I'm the exgirlfriend who thought he was far better then the cocaine and booze he consumes. I'm the exgirlfriend who's a fucking joke. A huge fucking joke. Everyone thinks he's the best, he's the coolest. And yeah, he can be. But when it comes to me, and my feelings, he's the worst. And the truth is - I've done nothing but do good things for him. I was there when his dog was put to sleep even though he dumped me and said some horrible things to me almost a year prior. I was there because his mom wanted me there & I wanted to be there for him. Only to watch his girlfriend stand there emotionless while I was the fucking one crying. I was there to be the better person. And I was, even though I was a mess afterward. And now I'm the joke. I'm the fucking joke.

It's funny that he told me I should be more confident and couldn't understand why I'm so insecure. Well, it's times like these that make me insecure. That make me feel like nothing more than a laugh, or a fuck. It's times like these that I wonder why someone would want to hurt someone they know who cares about them. All those other "friends" he hangs out with, don't seem to care. They're too busy getting just as wasted, just as high & then driving home or to some other party with him. Those are the people worth keeping in your life. I'm the one that deserves to be fucked with. Well, tonight was my last text to him. It said, "I know about ..... Don't ever talk to me again. You can keep fucking her instead of me." And then I blocked him.

I want to get so mad, but I can't. I just fucking can't. I'm completely hurt. And the fact that as my friend calls me "a moron", brings me down even more. If nothing else, at least this time I'm done. I should've learned from the several times before.

Saturday night and I've been laying in bed for most of the day. Correction, all of the day. I'm on a roll.

Fugazi - I'm so tired

It's been a long and very emotional few weeks. I've been fucking up left, right & center. I always let the same people back into my life without hesitation. I know that I shouldn't & I know that I deserve better. But when it comes down to standing up for myself, I just can't do it. And I still care about all these people, & that's part of it. But, my loneliness & basically non-existent self-esteem is also a huge part of why I torture myself repeatedly.

My friends think it should just be simple to wash my hands of these people & not give them any more than nothing (which is what they probably deserve). But after I asked myself a lot of questions & my good friend in Montreal (she gives me counselling as well) about why he does the things he does, & why he keeps coming back into my life, & why he said the things he did - the truth is, it doesn't fucking matter. The reason I let him/them back in isn't because they appear to want back in, it's because I don't think enough of myself not to let them in. I'm lonely & I want any sort of affection, even if its not sincere. This is what low self-esteem does to me. I make horrible choices & am left with nothing - or rather I am left with something, a feeling of complete & utter misery. It's almost more lonely being with people who don't want to be with you, than with nobody at all. So really, it's got nothing to do with him, but has everything to do with me. I've got a lot of work to do, & its not going to be easy at all. I may need a bit more then a friend on the phone to tackle this.

Drake - Doing It Wrong ft. Stevie Wonder (Take Care)

Made some super huge mistakes lately. Started thinking that deep down there may have been feelings there, still. Now, I don't see that. Just more of the same old thing. It's really shitty finding out things from everyone one else.

Bruce Springsteen & E.-Street Band ** Merry Christmas Baby ** Live

Happy Holidays! Let's make 2012 a great year!

Mystery Machine "RIDE"

Being a grown up is fucking hard.
I'd rather be back in highschool and living at The Hideaway.